Quoted from Cal

Never mnd the squat cage, MILF was spotting on bench for me this morning and she insisted on standing
on the support step, and she only has little legs and I have a huge imagination. How I don't injure myself
is beyond belief. Joking aside, she is one strong bird and a fab training partner.

Im coming to train with you cal lol!

Nothing like a bit of banter! Your post cracke me up cal - funny cus its true! Ha!

Quoted from Ricky

Im coming to train with you cal lol!

post the name of the gym bud and its all over......british bodybuilding forum convention springs to mind

mate these post are so funny...cant wait till next week

hurry up and get next week up its like heros can we get a double episode hope the script writters dont go on strike hehe .

Keep it up cal is bloody brill

Cheers for the encouragement. Am sat thinking about Wk 3 food plan and wondering if chocolate counts as an essential Omega 3 fat? Two sets of legs and one of upper
to come this week. Have persuaded the MILF and HOTTIE (hereafter collectively called THE BURDS) that calf raises should be done on the gym stairs. Being a gentleman I will insist THE BURDS start before me, and since Health and Safety dictates, I will stand right behind them as they progress, just to make sure they dont fall! Note to
self, remember to take double Nox Shox Perving juice to maintain strength during arduous set. Cheers guys, no one warned me bodybuilding was gonna be this hard!

hard!! sounds like you got it made......ya jammy bugger

Week 3 Update
In life people are divided into one of two categories: “US” or “THEM”. Of course I am one of “US” and I
guess if you are reading this then you must be one of “US” too. Let me explain. There are those of “US”
who think cardio is for girls. In my humble opinion the only people who enjoy cardio are those who know
the words to every song in Mama Mia, and still live with their Mum. To me cardio is wrong, it is dirty, it is
shameful and should only be performed under cover of dark and only then if in disguise and using a false
name.

You will have seen “THEM” everywhere. Out and proud in lycra, they lurk around the aerobic machinery,
casting evil glances at the “iron” end of the gym. They are in my gym too. Yesterday I walked in and they
looked at me and giggled; I must have looked huge and scary cos MY MATE says sometimes people
giggle if they are scared and I believe him because he is from London and they know everything there. Anyway I guess the reason they were staring was my new T-shirt which reads “I’ve benched 100 lbs”: which
MILF told me, I filled to bursting. “That’ll be the pump” I said, “Pardon you” she said. Sometimes I wonder why she is still single. Anyway I must be looking huge cos MILF told me that SOMEBLOKE thinks I am on
steroids cos she heard him say I had “all the gear but no idea”. Which is nice.  Anyhow ANOTHER BLOKE
and me almost got into a fight cos he asked me about a “limp d*ck bar” and even though me and MRS
CAL aren’t speaking this week I aint interested and told him so. I now know that the pole I put the weights on is called an Olympic bar. It’s all very complicated this bodybuilding stuff. Good news though cos
SOMEBLOKE spoke to me; HOTTIE says I should be happy cos “move fat boy” is a compliment and
recognition of how huge I am. I think if I had been wearing my new t-shirt he wouldn’t have said anything,
just giggled.

Lesson learned this week:
1.     “Plates” are not for food, they go on the end of Limp D*ck Bars.
2.     Benching 100lbs is big and clever.
3.      Perving over the girls in ABBA is good, knowing the words to their songs is not.  

funny as f**k cal.

Doods, apologies for not posting last week, will provide Weeks 4 & 5 at the end of this week. Works gone
mental!

Aww come on Cal dont let "US" all down! Ha!

Dudes, sorry for not publishing on time. With HOTTIE on holiday and MILF  working away I decided
to become a scholar of the Iron Game. Because my “I’ve benched 100lbs” T-shirt scared SOMEBLOKE
and ANOTHER BLOKE into speaking to me, I thought it best to learn the lingo so we could be proper
mates -like wot we are on this forum. Anyway I lost track of time and, sweating like Michael B*rrym*re
at a pool party, realised I had forgotten to share what I learned. Before I do, it’s WEEK 4.5 and I
am becoming more distracted in work, just drifting through the day counting the minutes until training.
However my WORKMATES, noticing how huge I am, interrupt my daydreaming with constant compliments.
Comments (and my replies) this week include:

“You eat well” – “thanks my parents will be pleased I manage to get most of it in my mouth”.
“You eating again” – “yes like breathing, its the done thing to survive”.
“Your shake stinks” – “f**k off you skinny looser” – very witty I thought.
“You’ve changed” – “why thank you, I have gained 10 lbs and lost 6 inches”.

Having no friends is normal for me as is taking in excess of 50 pills, several potions and 3 metric
tonnes of food a day. Reading books with titles such as “Brawn and Prawns – The Australian Guide to
Bodybuilding” is not normal. Anyway here’s what I have learned this week:

Bul King – Is not a person.
Burn –Is not what MRS CAL does with my dinner.
Cat a Bolic – Is not shouting at my p*ssy when she sh*ts on the floor.
Compound Exercise – Is not Prison Yard training.
Cutting – Is not what MILF does with her lady parts hair.
Failure –  Is not breaking your promise to be nice to the wife during Lent.
Free weights – Doesn’t mean help yourself and put them in the car.  
Isolated Exercise – Is not training alone cos you have no mates.
Muscle confusion –  Is not SOME BLOKE and ANOTHER BLOKE trying to spell.
Splits – Are not the things with ice cream and fruit that I imagine HOTTIE eating.
Spotter – Is not the weirdo at the train station recording the train numbers.
Super Set – Is not a long tennis game
Meal Replacement – Is not switching kebab for pies.

This is some of the funniest stuff i have ever read cal!
but sounds like your still enjoying it and doing really well keep up the good work!

brilliant cal. free weights made me chuckle out loud. looked a right divvy

omg this has me in tears..

Week 5
Good news and bad news this week my fellow brothers in iron. Good news - with the BURDS as
SPOTTERS I smashed my bench press – but I can’t find a T-shirt saying “I’ve benched 105lbs”
and that’s pants cos benching 105 lbs is an “awesome achievement” according to RKNEE
SWATCHKNEEJERKER. Apparently he was famous for being Mr Limp D*ck for like, 9 million years,
and was in a movie called “PIMPING IRON”. I’ve not seen it but ANOTHER BLOKE told me its good
but I don’t believe him because he is from Wales and all they know about there is singing and rugby.
However now we are all chums I can share the secret of my success – food!  PJ told me 98% of
bodybuilding is about food, 1% about exercise and 1% about sleep and I believe him cos he gets
to put his name in RED on this forum. When the BURDS learned this they calculated an extra 5lbs
was equivalent to adding 2 kebabs and a tin of lager to each side of  the Limp D*ck bar which gave
me inspiration - good times. However it all went wrong when SOMEBLOKE asked MILF to spot and she
ignored him like MRS CAL does me since I moved into the garage. The problem was MILF did not know
she was called MILF and wanted to know why – bad times. Anyway THE BURDS have been reading
“Brawn and Prawns” which must be arousing hormones cos I caught them staring at me and talking
about “cheating”. To be honest I think they fancy me cos they look at me the same way I look at
deep fried pizza on cheat day. Nuff said.

Anyway I’m having trouble eating since SOMEBLOKE told me he broke his “clean and jerk” record –
that made me feel sick and I’ve had to sing along to Mama Mia to feel better.

Lessons Learned this week

Bar bell     -     Not THE CHICK who hangs out in my local.
Cheating     -     Is not looking at the Crossword answers as you go along.
Clean     -     Is not what MRS CAL expects me to do after a protein poo.
Density     -     Not how thick SOMEBLOKE and ANOTHER BLOKE are.
Dumb bell     -     Maybe THE CHICK who hangs out in my local.
EZ Bar     -      Is not a trendy pub.  
Forced Reps-     Are not reluctant Club 18 – 30 employees.
Hyper trophy-     Is not an award for being very excited.
Mass     -     Is not a Church service.
Pump     -     Is not what I wanted to do to HOTTIE.
Resistance     -     Not a group of WW2 freedom fighting Frenchies.
Set     -     Not what happens to jelly in the fridge.