THINGS I HAVE LEARNED IN MY 1ST WEEK.
1.  Protein mixed with hot tap water is so not nice. (being a Jock, to waste it would have been a sin).
2.  I used to think baked spuds were lovely, now I realise all the butter/cheese/sauces I put on the spud
were what I really liked.
3.  It doesn't matter what colour fish is, it is still minging.
4.  Protein makes you smell - fact!
5.  Doing cardio before my eyes are properly open is so wrong and I will go to Hell if I continue at such an
unGodly hour.
6.  No matter what flavour it claims to be, Protein still tastes like the scrapings from your training buddy's
flip flops.
7.  Eating every 3 hours at work is enough to make your colleagues call you a freak.(Mind you it may not
have just been the eating!).
8.  It is wrong, on so many levels, to ask a man to eat so many eggs.
9.  I may need a new wife, this one thinks at my age I should be happy watching Snooker on TV and eating pie.
10. PJ has the patience of a Saint - cheers mate!
11. Tank is a living legend ( No i didnt just abuse my mod powers lol < Tank >
So there you have it, Week 1 almost over. I did forget to mention that already I am making gains, am
stronger and secretly enjoy the attention. Now I'am off to invent a protein that tastes like baked spud
covered in cheese and beans which won't make me smell!

Made me grin reading this and so very true lol..

I think No.11 is awsome tbh haha

Lol! Cal - u crack me up mate! It funny cus its true! That is in a light hearted manner - but in the IRON sense you know it has to be done, and you know the rewards that you are already reaping are worth it and more

Keep at it buddy and keep us posted to your progress. Remember were here to help so dont worry if you need to email or ask something

PJ

Part 2
1.  Nox Shox is awesome but turns your p*ss bright orange and I dont mean lovely sunrise yellow-orange I mean ORANGE.
2.  Using terminology like reps and sets in everyday conversation detracts from the fact that you are a sad, bald and fat middle aged wannabe.
3.  Microwaving fish in the workplace is a definite way to win friends and influence people - not!
4.  Practising flexing in front of the mirror in the office loo is not big nor clever especially when your colleagues walk in and remind you that you
are a sad, bald, fat middle-aged wannabe.
5. Oh apparently saying Tank is awesome over and over again does not mean I will be huge by proxy.

So there you have it. I'll keep you updated and post a pic when my chest gets above 38, my waist below 40 and my guns (check me out!) don't
look like 2 bits of thread dangling from a T-shirt.

Cal, We need more threads like this mate. Funny as hell!

And btw im not a acutal bodybuilder so most are bigger then me. I concentrate on Sports and fittness side of things.

I really look forward to your progress and i hope you reach your goals.

Got much much more to come, including how my missus thinks I'm playing away, my training partner is a chick and the nox shox was not to blame!
Happy to keep posting my observations as long as they don't bore the cr*p outa ya'all.

Whats the training partner like

Mate, she is MILF tastic. and I have another younger one just joined me. All will be revealed in WEEK 2s adventures.

This is a quality thread cal im looking forward to the week 2 updates

We demand pix !

Quoted from Tankuk

We demand pix !

Stop it, you'll make me blush. Hold on....................you mean the MILF don't you.....its ok.........I can do rejection....sniff...

WEEK 2
Starting on a positive note. Bench Press up, Squat up, ego right up. And its downhill from there. Let's rewind. Despite being banned from
microwaving fish in the workplace, after a week of bodybuilding, I was starting to feel like part of the brotherhood of iron, well not quite like a
brother, more of a distant cousin, but its early days yet. The week started well when the office MILF took one look at my massive lunchbox (and I mean 300g of chicken, 300g spud) decided I must be a fully blown muscle mechanic and asked to train with me. So I trained with the
MILF. MILF comes back and tells office HOTTIE that I actually know my stuff, HOTTIE asks to train with me too. Feeling like some kinda gym pimp I feel its rude to refuse - especially when it takes them both to lift one 20Kg plate and they make nice squealy noises when doing it. Anyway Mrs
Cal who used to be a Liverpool Bouncer in a previous life spots me with aforementioned totty and gets a sad on. "Eyes only for you Mrs C" says I,
"Like feck" she says and accuses me of playing away. As I was denying everything, for there was nothing to admit to (apart from a severe case of
perving) she produced a credit card receipt for a couple of hundred quid. Crunchtime as I fess that PJ is my dealer and the money went on
supplements. Let me tell you I am a hard man, but the freaking garage is cold at this time of year. Anyway lessons this week are:
1. I am more biff than buff.
2. It is not clever to ask the MILF if "they are real" when she is spotting your bench press.
3. NOX SHOX does not turn p*ss orange, it merely heightens the perving gene.
4. MILF and HOTTIE and SQUAT CAGE = X rated movie in my sad, middle-aged, mind.
5. Don't try to photograph the MILF and the HOTTIE - a kick in the bollocks often offends - sorry guys I tried.
More lists to come if you are still awake after this.

haha Cal you are a legend in the making keep going mate

What was said when you tried to take a photo! and dam.. if only you got the photo while on the squat! lol

this has brought a smile to my face again cal well done mate keep it going!
given me something to think about too lol 2x milfs in a squat cage hmm the possibilties are endless lol

Never mnd the squat cage, MILF was spotting on bench for me this morning and she insisted on standing
on the support step, and she only has little legs and I have a huge imagination. How I don't injure myself
is beyond belief. Joking aside, she is one strong bird and a fab training partner.

Quoted from Cal

Never mnd the squat cage, MILF was spotting on bench for me this morning and she insisted on standing
on the support step, and she only has little legs and I have a huge imagination. How I don't injure myself
is beyond belief. Joking aside, she is one strong bird and a fab training partner.

Im coming to train with you cal lol!

Nothing like a bit of banter! Your post cracke me up cal - funny cus its true! Ha!

Quoted from Ricky

Im coming to train with you cal lol!

post the name of the gym bud and its all over......british bodybuilding forum convention springs to mind

mate these post are so funny...cant wait till next week

hurry up and get next week up its like heros can we get a double episode hope the script writters dont go on strike hehe .

Keep it up cal is bloody brill

Cheers for the encouragement. Am sat thinking about Wk 3 food plan and wondering if chocolate counts as an essential Omega 3 fat? Two sets of legs and one of upper
to come this week. Have persuaded the MILF and HOTTIE (hereafter collectively called THE BURDS) that calf raises should be done on the gym stairs. Being a gentleman I will insist THE BURDS start before me, and since Health and Safety dictates, I will stand right behind them as they progress, just to make sure they dont fall! Note to
self, remember to take double Nox Shox Perving juice to maintain strength during arduous set. Cheers guys, no one warned me bodybuilding was gonna be this hard!

hard!! sounds like you got it made......ya jammy bugger

Week 3 Update
In life people are divided into one of two categories: “US” or “THEM”. Of course I am one of “US” and I
guess if you are reading this then you must be one of “US” too. Let me explain. There are those of “US”
who think cardio is for girls. In my humble opinion the only people who enjoy cardio are those who know
the words to every song in Mama Mia, and still live with their Mum. To me cardio is wrong, it is dirty, it is
shameful and should only be performed under cover of dark and only then if in disguise and using a false
name.

You will have seen “THEM” everywhere. Out and proud in lycra, they lurk around the aerobic machinery,
casting evil glances at the “iron” end of the gym. They are in my gym too. Yesterday I walked in and they
looked at me and giggled; I must have looked huge and scary cos MY MATE says sometimes people
giggle if they are scared and I believe him because he is from London and they know everything there. Anyway I guess the reason they were staring was my new T-shirt which reads “I’ve benched 100 lbs”: which
MILF told me, I filled to bursting. “That’ll be the pump” I said, “Pardon you” she said. Sometimes I wonder why she is still single. Anyway I must be looking huge cos MILF told me that SOMEBLOKE thinks I am on
steroids cos she heard him say I had “all the gear but no idea”. Which is nice.  Anyhow ANOTHER BLOKE
and me almost got into a fight cos he asked me about a “limp d*ck bar” and even though me and MRS
CAL aren’t speaking this week I aint interested and told him so. I now know that the pole I put the weights on is called an Olympic bar. It’s all very complicated this bodybuilding stuff. Good news though cos
SOMEBLOKE spoke to me; HOTTIE says I should be happy cos “move fat boy” is a compliment and
recognition of how huge I am. I think if I had been wearing my new t-shirt he wouldn’t have said anything,
just giggled.

Lesson learned this week:
1.     “Plates” are not for food, they go on the end of Limp D*ck Bars.
2.     Benching 100lbs is big and clever.
3.      Perving over the girls in ABBA is good, knowing the words to their songs is not.  

funny as f**k cal.

Doods, apologies for not posting last week, will provide Weeks 4 & 5 at the end of this week. Works gone
mental!

Aww come on Cal dont let "US" all down! Ha!

Dudes, sorry for not publishing on time. With HOTTIE on holiday and MILF  working away I decided
to become a scholar of the Iron Game. Because my “I’ve benched 100lbs” T-shirt scared SOMEBLOKE
and ANOTHER BLOKE into speaking to me, I thought it best to learn the lingo so we could be proper
mates -like wot we are on this forum. Anyway I lost track of time and, sweating like Michael B*rrym*re
at a pool party, realised I had forgotten to share what I learned. Before I do, it’s WEEK 4.5 and I
am becoming more distracted in work, just drifting through the day counting the minutes until training.
However my WORKMATES, noticing how huge I am, interrupt my daydreaming with constant compliments.
Comments (and my replies) this week include:

“You eat well” – “thanks my parents will be pleased I manage to get most of it in my mouth”.
“You eating again” – “yes like breathing, its the done thing to survive”.
“Your shake stinks” – “f**k off you skinny looser” – very witty I thought.
“You’ve changed” – “why thank you, I have gained 10 lbs and lost 6 inches”.

Having no friends is normal for me as is taking in excess of 50 pills, several potions and 3 metric
tonnes of food a day. Reading books with titles such as “Brawn and Prawns – The Australian Guide to
Bodybuilding” is not normal. Anyway here’s what I have learned this week:

Bul King – Is not a person.
Burn –Is not what MRS CAL does with my dinner.
Cat a Bolic – Is not shouting at my p*ssy when she sh*ts on the floor.
Compound Exercise – Is not Prison Yard training.
Cutting – Is not what MILF does with her lady parts hair.
Failure –  Is not breaking your promise to be nice to the wife during Lent.
Free weights – Doesn’t mean help yourself and put them in the car.  
Isolated Exercise – Is not training alone cos you have no mates.
Muscle confusion –  Is not SOME BLOKE and ANOTHER BLOKE trying to spell.
Splits – Are not the things with ice cream and fruit that I imagine HOTTIE eating.
Spotter – Is not the weirdo at the train station recording the train numbers.
Super Set – Is not a long tennis game
Meal Replacement – Is not switching kebab for pies.

This is some of the funniest stuff i have ever read cal!
but sounds like your still enjoying it and doing really well keep up the good work!

brilliant cal. free weights made me chuckle out loud. looked a right divvy

omg this has me in tears..

Week 5
Good news and bad news this week my fellow brothers in iron. Good news - with the BURDS as
SPOTTERS I smashed my bench press – but I can’t find a T-shirt saying “I’ve benched 105lbs”
and that’s pants cos benching 105 lbs is an “awesome achievement” according to RKNEE
SWATCHKNEEJERKER. Apparently he was famous for being Mr Limp D*ck for like, 9 million years,
and was in a movie called “PIMPING IRON”. I’ve not seen it but ANOTHER BLOKE told me its good
but I don’t believe him because he is from Wales and all they know about there is singing and rugby.
However now we are all chums I can share the secret of my success – food!  PJ told me 98% of
bodybuilding is about food, 1% about exercise and 1% about sleep and I believe him cos he gets
to put his name in RED on this forum. When the BURDS learned this they calculated an extra 5lbs
was equivalent to adding 2 kebabs and a tin of lager to each side of  the Limp D*ck bar which gave
me inspiration - good times. However it all went wrong when SOMEBLOKE asked MILF to spot and she
ignored him like MRS CAL does me since I moved into the garage. The problem was MILF did not know
she was called MILF and wanted to know why – bad times. Anyway THE BURDS have been reading
“Brawn and Prawns” which must be arousing hormones cos I caught them staring at me and talking
about “cheating”. To be honest I think they fancy me cos they look at me the same way I look at
deep fried pizza on cheat day. Nuff said.

Anyway I’m having trouble eating since SOMEBLOKE told me he broke his “clean and jerk” record –
that made me feel sick and I’ve had to sing along to Mama Mia to feel better.

Lessons Learned this week

Bar bell     -     Not THE CHICK who hangs out in my local.
Cheating     -     Is not looking at the Crossword answers as you go along.
Clean     -     Is not what MRS CAL expects me to do after a protein poo.
Density     -     Not how thick SOMEBLOKE and ANOTHER BLOKE are.
Dumb bell     -     Maybe THE CHICK who hangs out in my local.
EZ Bar     -      Is not a trendy pub.  
Forced Reps-     Are not reluctant Club 18 – 30 employees.
Hyper trophy-     Is not an award for being very excited.
Mass     -     Is not a Church service.
Pump     -     Is not what I wanted to do to HOTTIE.
Resistance     -     Not a group of WW2 freedom fighting Frenchies.
Set     -     Not what happens to jelly in the fridge.

This is fantastic cal you should make a book i rekon it would be a best seller!

Quoted from Ricky

This is fantastic cal you should make a book i rekon it would be a best seller!

90% of it acutally happens so I have a continuous source. I wasn't going to post for a couple of days
but when MILF found out she was called MILF then asked an entirely silent gym what MILF meant I
was inspired! Back at work I fessed up about this site and had to show her. I am still unbruised!

Quoted from Cal

90% of it acutally happens so I have a continuous source. I wasn't going to post for a couple of days
but when MILF found out she was called MILF then asked an entirely silent gym what MILF meant I
was inspired! Back at work I fessed up about this site and had to show her. I am still unbruised!

lol did you tell MILF she should join the forums cal??

Quoted from Ricky

lol did you tell MILF she should join the forums cal??

Fellah I might be daft but I aint stupid. I quite like my bits where they are and not where they would be if I
let the BURDS read these pages. Besides, you lot would turn into even bigger man-sl*gs and I would
feel dirty and ashamed and used.

Quoted from Cal

Fellah I might be daft but I aint stupid. I quite like my bits where they are and not where they would be if I
let the BURDS read these pages. Besides, you lot would turn into even bigger man-sl*gs and I would
feel dirty and ashamed and used.

ROFPMSLMAO!!!

lol ! damm.. thats some funny sh*t there.. sat here grining as im reading this.. i gotta train where you do!

And pfft at PJ and his RED writing.. i get to type in BLUE!

Again, keep it up! makes my day

Train hard mate

TANK Can you tell me what the little green numbers next to reputation are and how they get there?
If you can I'm sure you can make an appearance in a forthcoming tale!

Quoted from Cal

TANK[color=blue][/color] Can you tell me what the little green numbers next to reputation are and how they get there?
If you can I'm sure you can make an appearance in a forthcoming tale!

Reputation points is given by other members to show if they thought a post was great...or rubbish! ie giving advice and what not.

How you give good/bad is by clicking on either point for plus or negative. You can also do it by clicking on the member's name then it will have a green cross showing the plus or negative sign for you to click on.

brilliant cal

Greetings fellow Brothers of Iron. Shocking news. Having read about my training dilemma in another
thread and, in a pathetic attempt to win favour with the BURDS, TANK has posted
photos of himself on line. Those pictures caused a big argument in our gym. ANOTHER BLOKE reckons
TANK had covered himself in TAN JANNA BANANA OIL – FOR MEN!  but HOTTIE
said he looked like a sweaty Michael J*ckson outside a playground with a bag of sweeties and I
believe her cos she has been on a plane this week. MILF said if he was going to stuff something down
his posing trunks it really shouldn’t be a pineapple. Anyway SOMEBLOKE must have been inspired cos
he looked at the photos and said he was off for a TANK!

Luckily for me one day I’ll be able to pose like that cos I’ve been reading RKNEE’s book and as
soon as I get myself some of those tight trunks I’ll be ready. However, I may have a problem
cos the BURDS looked at me and said they don’t make trunks that big and I’m not getting a
d*ck reduction for anyone.

I’ve spent all week trying to coax CHUBBS to the gym. CHUBBS is an ex GB athlete and current
national champion in some girly sport who says he will “beast” me. Now I know some readers of
this forum like that kind of thing cos they talk about “training in a dungeon” and using “special gear”
but that sort of talk makes me feel ashamed and sick in the mouth. Anyway CHUBBS couldn’t make it
cos he is training to be camp or at a training camp so I had to recruit WANNABE BOY. He works in the
same office as me and HOTTIE and is a certifiable salad dodger if ever I’ve seen one. He calls me
BIG CAL but I don’t speak to him much because he smells of library books and stale cornflakes. I’ll
let you know he got on next time. In the meantime, things I’ve learned this week:

Biological Value     -     Not a marking system as in “I’d give her one”
Body Composition     -     Not the description of your ideal BURD
DOMS          -     Not stuff belonging to someone called Domenic
Eccentric          -     Not the mad bloke from next door
Essential fat     -     Not MRS CALs love bags
Fat          -     Not a trendy term used by anyone under 25
Flat          -      Not a place where DUMB BELLS live.

Cal, your a living legend mate, so funny!! you make my week haha!

How's the temple aka your body comming along?

Quoted from Tankuk

Cal, your a living legend mate, so funny!! you make my week haha!

How's the temple aka your body comming along?

Cheers dude, comments and banta much appreciated. TBH I am struggling at the mo. I made huge
gains (apparently) at first but am at a bit of a standstill motivation wise. The food prep
goes by the wayside sometimes and I sneak in the odd Myoplex which is just lazy. However PJ has
promised to post some new recipies to inspire me and I am going to buy another freezer so I can
cook in bulk. I really could do with a hardcore training partner to kick my butt!

Dont lose any sleep over it mate. Like my self when i first started results come quick at first but its only because your body is out of shape so you see some of the changes and you gain strength etc .. tone up a bit then it will slow down but this is where you start to make the big gains and go that extra mile to look the way you want to.

I lost five stone in around 5-6 months then i was down to 15.. from there it slowed down but i was still changing and still am.. keep thinking postive and change things away every few weeks to keep it interesting. This time next year you will look back and be glad you stuck at it.

Your a top guy so i wish you all the best and my advice can only be to keep at it as you will feel..look a new man

Righty ho you miserable sods. this thread has over 600 hits yet hardly any comments. Surely something
amusing must happen to you in your daily training? If so, let me know so I can weave it into my tales.

Quoted from Cal

Righty ho you miserable sods. this thread has over 600 hits yet hardly any comments. Surely something
amusing must happen to you in your daily training? If so, let me know so I can weave it into my tales.

Dudes, I've been away for a bit, just back today. I'll post my update on Monday.

Can't wait mate

Greetings brothers in iron. Before I start this week’s blog I apologise for the late post, but all is
not well in CAL land. Normally I never get ill, but last week I had MANFLU. For those that don’t know
about MANFLU it is like bubonic plague with knobs and bells and a fecking huge gospel choir with
supporting orchestra announcing to the world that you are unwell. Normally I STFU, man up, and crack
on: man flu, pah I laugh in your general direction! But dear chums, the MANFLU took a turn for the
worse and ended up in as MANTHRAX - a combination of MANFLU and ANTHRAX and is not nice.
I was unable to train and had to eat chocolate all week to keep up my strength – good times.
However the downside was I lost 4lbs bodyweight – bad times.

Anyway  HOTTIE has been unwell too and not training, To keep herself busy she had an identity crisis
and announced she is not happy being known as HOTTIE.  Fairy snuff I thought and suggested MINI
MILF. However cos she has never spawned rugrats she insisted on something else. I quite liked MINI
MILF and offered to do the gentlemanly thing and assist her in having kids, – strangely enough my
b*llocks still ache from the kick. Anyway this got me thinking about forum names. This week I have
been called the following:

CAL - a cunningly a shortened version of my name.
BIG CAL – happy with that, I am over 6ft and 18 stone.
BIG C – I blush modestly.
MR CAL – Very civilised conversation it was to.
BALDY – Its fecking shaven - for the record.
FATBOY – It was only the one kebab, STFU and live with it.
BIGBOY – See BIG C – happy with that.

Now MILF is worried you lot will think she is more GILF than MILF and I will try and persuade her
and her enhanced lady bumps to visit the squat rack and be photographed – watch this space.
In the meantime, this is what I have learned this week.

Flush          -      Not what you need to do to a protein poo.
Hormone          -     Is not kicking a lady of the night
Interval Training      -     Does not mean stopping to have a pie in between REPS
Ketones          -      Not the catchy bits in a song’s chorus.
Lipolysis          -     Not something to be found near the mythical clitoris
Mac RoNutrient     -     Not something from MacDonald’s latest range.
Peak          -     Not a holiday destination in the Lakes
Pure          -     Not a description of MRS CAL before I met her.
Ripped          -     What HOTTIE did to my head.
Shredded          -     Not a breakfast cereal.
Stacking          -     Is not placing your tins of tuna on top of each other.  

PS Do me a favour, 0ver 700 hits and hardly any comments, I don’t want smoke blown up my
butt but do let me know what you think.

Cal, you HAVE  to keep postings these.. how you come up with them is beyond me.. funny as hell!

MANTHRAX is pure class lol! And i hope the dreaded plague has gone!

Tell HOTTIE to not be shy.. we dont bite! lol

Over 6ft? you lucky so and so! im stuck at 5ft11! darn so close!

Do you manage to keep your eyes to ur self when training with such lovly hotties?

Quoted from Tankuk

Do you manage to keep your eyes to ur self when training with such lovly hotties?

Err yes. Honest guv. I think only of the the benefits of pumping.

loving it cal. defo think a pic is in order, chuck the MILF in on it too.

Cal i think this thread rocks and your one fab dude!!
forget the pics mate we want full on uncensored video! (psst we might be willing to pay a fee) lmao

will try to comment more often just hard to do when you carnt see from crying with laughter

This is pure class mate!!

Another bad week dumbbell humping dudes. It started well when MILF told me I was famous.
Apparently she was shopping and saw a loaf of bread and thought of me, but when she looked
closer, she realised it said THICK CUT: and she wonders why she is still single. Truly she is thicker
than the illustrated big print version of RKNEE’s new book.  

Anyway in a previous life, when my waist size was smaller than my age and I had more hair on my
head than on my back, I was a training machine. Nothing would stop me from hitting the gym.
However these days I need a kick up my lardy a*s and that’s where it’s gone horribly wrong this
week. CHUBBS, back from being camp, failed to parade, WANNABE BOY talked a good session but
the only way I’d get him to a gym would be to hide a barrel of lager and a pie vending machine in
there and HOTTIE and MILF were both tied up at work (no, not like that!).

So lacking in motivation, I fell off the wagon. A mere slip quickly became a huge crash with a side
order of almighty thump and ended as a gold medal winning, open-top-bus ticker-tape parade,
knighted by the Queen type of fall. However, on the bright side, during my darkest moment I
discovered bodybuilding’s ideal food: one which contains a perfect mix of protein, carbs and fat –
jaffa cakes. Well at least on PLANET CAL they do. After scoffing for Scotland two things got me back
on track: the arrival of a Tardis sized freezer which meant I could cook a lifetime’s worth of scoff, plus
I tried on the T-shirt PJ sent when I sold my soul to buy supplements. Talk about tight, feck me,
I looked like jelly wrapped in Clingfilm:  MRS CAL now wears it in bed but that’s another story – yeah
baby! Now I need a new T-shirt so hurry up and produce those British Bodybuilding T-shirts, but make
them man size.

Do you remember the other week I whinged about “THEM” – the lycra-clad aerobic freaks? Well dudes
its confession time – when I am not pumping, I am one of “THEM”. Before you disown me completely
let me explain. Sometimes I ride my pushbike and bully people into sponsoring me for some worthy
cause. In the last two years I’ve cycled London-Paris and John O Groats-Land’s End to name but two.
I had retired but, thinking of ways to get you lot pics of MILF and HOTTIE, I committed to a race between
Edinburgh and London and talked HOTTIE into riding with me. That means we’ll have a website where
you can donate (if you want) and actually see what we all look like – scary thought. Anyway time for me
to start training seriously cos soon there’ll be nowhere to hide, before I do, pass the Jaffa cakes!

like it cal!! i for one will be visiting that site for a little look! all the best mate

Quoted from MOONSHINE

like it cal!! i for one will be visiting that site for a little look! all the best mate

Cheers me dear, hopefully we'll have it up and running next week. I'll post details when I can.

Quoted from Cal

Cheers me dear, hopefully we'll have it up and running next week. I'll post details when I can.

I will visit it and support you but on one condition i dont wat to be looking at men in tight spandex lol or i will have to post some pics up of me in my assless chaps

Im sure i can spare a few pennys for a good cause!

Interesting read cal and always put in a funny way that cracks me up. Though stay postive mate, we all have a rough patch but once were over it..its GOOD  TIMES again!

Cheers Dudes, I'm truly feeling the love, not enough to wanna see Ricky in has assless chaps tho.
Busy times at the mo, been working through lunch and very late and neglecting my training. Back
on track next week - good times and better adventures to relate to ya'all.

Quoted from Cal

Cheers Dudes, I'm truly feeling the love, not enough to wanna see Ricky in has assless chaps tho.
Busy times at the mo, been working through lunch and very late and neglecting my training. Back
on track next week - good times and better adventures to relate to ya'all.

What you do as work then mate

Quoted from Cal

Cheers Dudes, I'm truly feeling the love, not enough to wanna see Ricky in has assless chaps tho.
Busy times at the mo, been working through lunch and very late and neglecting my training. Back
on track next week - good times and better adventures to relate to ya'all.

Ricky walks off hanging his head with dissapiontment as it seems he will never get to wear his assless chaps!!!

on a serious note only missis Ricky gets to see me in assless chaps and then she just laughs

Quoted from Tankuk

What you do as work then mate

Mate I work for the M.O.D, have been for a long time. Nothing too exciting though lol.

Quoted from Ricky

Ricky walks off hanging his head with dissapiontment as it seems he will never get to wear his assless chaps!!!

on a serious note only missis Ricky gets to see me in assless chaps and then she just laughs

RIcky, we'll get you to my gym with the BURDS and your chapps, and I promise not to tell your Missus lol!

Quoted from Cal

RIcky, we'll get you to my gym with the BURDS and your chapps, and I promise not to tell your Missus lol!

Thats a deal lol!

Gold as always, Cal.  

I feel like I want to add my own 'words I learnt' but I don't think I can match the power of Cal!!

SMITH MACHINE - Not used to pulling pints of draft bitter.
KICKBACK - Not what you do between sets when watching HOTTIE and MILF
WRIST WRAPS - isn't a heartily stuffed pitta bread of goodness
CHEST PRESS - does not evolve the rubbing of breasts together
PULLDOWN - is not a witty retort to BLOKE and ANOTHER BLOKE
DIPS (have you done this one?) - don't come in a variety of flavours
HAMSTRINGS - are not a pork snack

Quoted from G_Force

Gold as always, Cal.  

I feel like I want to add my own 'words I learnt' but I don't think I can match the power of Cal!!

SMITH MACHINE - Not used to pulling pints of draft bitter.
KICKBACK - Not what you do between sets when watching HOTTIE and MILF
WRIST WRAPS - isn't a heartily stuffed pitta bread of goodness
CHEST PRESS - does not evolve the rubbing of breasts together
PULLDOWN - is not a witty retort to BLOKE and ANOTHER BLOKE
DIPS (have you done this one?) - don't come in a variety of flavours
HAMSTRINGS - are not a pork snack

G dude - awesome, I feel my work here is done, Time to ride off into the sunset wearing Ricky's assless chaps - Brokeback mountain
here I come - NOT! You know I'm gonna have to try twice as hard next week to top that! Anyway I have an idea for another thread - how
about a problem page in Pointless Banta? I reckon Dr Cal could solve any problem chucked at him - the answer may not be politically
correct but it may amuse - whatcha think? Oh and I'll still keep this one going.

Go for it! Sounds like a plan.  

Hey ho fellow dudes of iron. You will be pleased to hear good times are back. I’m hitting the training hard
again and to celebrate my return HOTTIE designed a new T-shirt. It’s black, man size and reads “I DON’T
KNOW DIDDLY SQUAT BUT I KNOW SQUAT”. I laughed but MILF, being a few grams short of her daily
protein quota, didn’t. I tried to explain and failed: bless her, she’s “special”. Then she asked why, if she
was “special”, was she still single? I told her it was because she has ED ZACHARY disease – her face is
ED ZACHARY like her a*se and she believes me cos I have a new T-shirt.

You know that laminated floor you find in the discount section of B&Q? Some of it has appeared in the
corner of my gym. You know the kind I mean? The sort that they have in a Blackpool B&B when they push
the tables in the lounge up against the wall, hang up a glitter ball and hey presto instant dance floor.
Anyway I spoke to SOMEBLOKE who told me the 2.5m2 floor was not for disco dancing but for use
by POWALIFTAS. Well the only LIFTA I’ve ever heard of is a SHIRTLIFTA and I wonder if there is a
connection? I think there must be cos the floor has come with shiny new LIMPDICK BARS and some very
pretty plastic coloured plates. FFS what next, pot plants, net curtains around the mirrors, and YMCA
blasting from the speakers? I’ve not seen anyone use them yet and ANOTHERBLOKE thinks these
POWASHIRTLIFTAS are shy. CHUBBS told me it was all about ELFNSAFETAY and to use the floor they
have to do a course, wear a hard had and goggles and look like the builder from Village People, but I
don’t believe him cos his main food group is HAR*BO. To be honest I feel sick in the mouth just thinking
about it all. Anyway talking of plates, I think some of the guys on the forum must be part-time waiters
cos I read they can lift 4 plates on either side and that’s more than MRS CAL can manage when she
brings my tea to the garage.

I’ve tried to get some new friends this week and asked TAM and FOOTSOLDIER if they fancied an outing.
Maybe I should have said social cos now I think they think I thought they were POWALIFTAS and I don’t.
I just want some mates, not the GEORGE M*CHAEL bring-your-own gimp-mask-and-cuffs kinda mates,
but the manly-lets-talk-about-how-much-weight-we-can-bang around, drinking beer, talking sport kinda
mates. Maybe next time I’ll suggest meeting for a cup of tea.

That’s all for now and since I’ve hit the 100 post mark, and this thread has had over 1000 hits, I’m off
to celebrate. I’ve heard I can buy a POWALIFTING SOOT and think if I get a double breasted one with
wide lapels I might get some new friends. Catch ya next week.

hehe what a week for you eh mate? well fear not, your always welcome to come train in Worcester if you some how manage to be down this way!

Yeh the four plate lifting is some what hardcore isnt it   Im stuck at 120kg my self.. So PJ some what kicks my a** in that department but hey..hes a beast!

So Cal, enjoying the sun?

Cheers Tank, I might take you up on that as long as I dont have to wear me POWASHIRTLIFTA SOOT.
And yes it is sunny!

Gentlemen dudes of Iron. I'm having a week off, still training but not writing this blah - however expect a HUGE tale next week. My  
charity website is now up and running, unfortunately no pics of THE BURDS just yet but both will be on there soon. Catch you soon
- train hard.

Whats the website addy?

Quoted from Tankuk

Whats the website addy?

Tank here it is:

http://bigbikeadventure.blogspot.com/

Basically 1 Burd (HOTTIE AKA PRINCESS), 3 Blurks, 4 bikes, 700 kms for Cancer research and Help for Heroes. All that and you get to
see a photo of me in lycra   The charity logos take you to the sponsorship pages - and I'm not the small fat bloke in the big photo,
but I am the big bloke in the small photo on the main webpage!

Dudes, finally back from my adventures and ready to post tomorrow. Hope you haven't missed me too much lol
Cal

Good day to you my perfectly buffed and firm-cheeked dude chums. Mucho apologies for my recent
absence from these pages. I had thought to tell you a huge tale of derring-do, work and study but
since we are all special chums I thought I’d just be honest. I’ve not been training much cos I can’t be
ar*ed. But of course for the benefit of preserving my macho status, I’ve not been training cos “I’ve pulled
something”. Before you start there was no pulling of anything in the presence of the BURDS and I couldn’t
pull anything – even in a brothel with a bag of diamonds tied to my bell end – anyway. Even though I’ve
not been pumping I have been training HOTTIE and MILF so I have been spending time around the iron.
So because I’ve not been squatting till I puke I’ve had some time to watch and listen to some of the
things going on around me. Normally I bang the IPOD on, get into PLANET CAL and loose myself for an
hour or so. But without the muzac I’ve heard some real cr*p this week. That got me thinking about
things you hear in the gym and what they actually mean.  For example:

“It’s all you” = No it’s all me you lazy tw*t.
“Just one more” = “It’s still all me you lazy tw*t”.
“I’m maxed out” = I’m a lazy tw*t.
“Can I jump in?” = I’ll lift that easily and make you look like a lazy tw*t.
“You done with those weights?” = Put them away you lazy tw*t.

Other things I’ve learned this week:

Collar – not what is required for entry into a trendy club.
Dipping Bar – Not a place with breadsticks and salsa.
Drying Out – Not the place MRS CAL goes when she gives up SPESHULL BROO.
Form – Not a gym application.
Giant sets – Not some reps done by a very tall fellah.
Judging rounds – Not a trip to SUBWAY to admire their sandwiches.
Lock out – Not when the pub door is shut.

Right get your butts to http://bigbikeadventure.blogspot.com/  
click on the bit that says TEAM BONES BIG BIKE ADVENTURE and please sponsor me
and HOTTIE on our epic bike ride. Incidentally if you have a bike and want to join us on
some of the way or even meet up with us for a beer I can PM you route and date details.

“It’s all you” = No it’s all me you lazy tw*t.
“Just one more” = “It’s still all me you lazy tw*t”.
“I’m maxed out” = I’m a lazy tw*t.
“Can I jump in?” = I’ll lift that easily and make you look like a lazy tw*t.
“You done with those weights?” = Put them away you lazy tw*t.

Those should be on a t-shirt hahaha!

Ill sponsor ya

Comming any where near worcester? west midlands

Quoted from Tankuk

“It’s all you” = No it’s all me you lazy tw*t.
“Just one more” = “It’s still all me you lazy tw*t”.
“I’m maxed out” = I’m a lazy tw*t.
“Can I jump in?” = I’ll lift that easily and make you look like a lazy tw*t.
“You done with those weights?” = Put them away you lazy tw*t.

Those should be on a t-shirt hahaha!

Ill sponsor ya

Comming any where near worcester? west midlands

Tank route is Edinburgh-Corbridge-Thirsk-Doncaster-Leciester-Oxford-London. Not particularly near
Worcester but think about the cardio workout you could get if you cycled to join us lol!

Quoted from Cal

Anyway I have an idea for another thread - how
about a problem page in Pointless Banta? I reckon Dr Cal could solve any problem chucked at him - the answer may not be politically
correct but it may amuse - whatcha think? Oh and I'll still keep this one going.

Cal - we can make you your own corner if you wish!

Quoted from PJ

Cal - we can make you your own corner if you wish!

PJ I am more than happy to be your "Resident Agony Uncle". If your forum users are brave enough to bare their
"problems" in public I am sure I can help. Regular readers know I am caring and compassionate: ask Mr Crippo  
I defo saved his marriage with my last bit of advice , Ricky can now wear his assless chaps after speaking to
me   and Tank, well I'm still working on that......................Let's do it.

Quoted from Cal

PJ I am more than happy to be your "Resident Agony Uncle". If your forum users are brave enough to bare their
"problems" in public I am sure I can help. Regular readers know I am caring and compassionate: ask Mr Crippo  
I defo saved his marriage with my last bit of advice , Ricky can now wear his assless chaps after speaking to
me   and Tank, well I'm still working on that......................Let's do it.

lmao i feel proud wearing my chaps and it clears the gym for me too as woman and men run screaming in all directions!

Quoted from PJ

Cal - we can make you your own corner if you wish!

At this rate the only corner I'm getting is the naughty corner! PJ what's occuring?

Good Day my pert-buttocked buffed chums, I hope this finds you well and pumping for Britain. I am
fine, thanks for asking, and still aching from yesterdays huge chest set. Although it ended up great
it didn’t start so well.

My initial performance was affected by the numerous flagons of foaming ale (and the one dry sherry)
I’d downed the night before. Now I’m not saying I’d drunk that much, but I had drunk MRS CAL good
looking, rude-texted the BURDS, gone on-line and ordered a Thai bride and a pair of assless chaps,
then woken up with a hangover which would have undoubtedly killed a midget.

I’m told you reap what you sow, so when I found myself in the middle of a calamity: not an ordinary
calamity but a stately home sized calamity with sweeping driveway, ornamental gardens and small
waterfall kinda calamity I thought I must have eaten babies in a previous life. Why?  because, fogged
by the alcoholic fumes of the previous nights excess, I found myself lying on a bench with MILF over me
(not in the Biblical sense) offering to spot some unfeasibly huge weight. I knew I hadn’t a hope in hell
of benching 110 lbs and that’s when I had a brilliant brainwave. I told MILF we should change the routine
by cutting short the session, going light and increasing the reps.

Because I write on this thread she believed me…..until ANOTHER BLOKE and CHUBBS came in. When I
told CHUBBS (who incidentally is sulking because he hasn’t had much of a mention in this thread) there
wasn’t a buffet to be found in the gym he replied with the worse insult a sad-middle-aged-wannabe-
bodybuilder could ever hear when he told me “you’ve got skinny legs”. Now the reason my legs are skinny
is because my cardio of choice is cycling. I like my legs, they are the only part of me which don’t wobble
when I walk. However when an insult like that is delivered by an ex-GB athlete then I believe him cos he
has a T-Shirt with “Team GB” on it and not the kind on sale in TESCOS but the kind you see on the telly.
It was a fair point really and I told him that when he woke up after I’d hit him with a 20kg plate. Anyway I
haven’t learned much this week but I have learned this:

     Crunches – not a chocolate bar.
     Double – not a large Vodka and Coke.
     Extension – not a conservatory on the side of your house.
     Fast Twitch – not the look on my face when MRS CAL ask for more housekeeping.

That’s it for now unless you are brave enough to check out my new BB Problem Page forum and ask
me a question. Bye for now.

Its been a couple of weeks since I've updated the thread - the problem page has taken off and I'm busy with that. I'm still
training with THE BURDS and although CHUBBS and ANOTHERBLOKE have moved on to new jobs there are a couple of
newbies to tell you about. Don't worry, as RKNEE said "I'll be back". Cya.

more please

Quoted from Palatine

more please

our Cal is on holiday (gay cruise) but he will update us all with the highs of his holiday when he gets back im sure

Quoted from Ricky

our Cal is on holiday (gay cruise) but he will update us all with the highs of his holiday when he gets back im sure

Getting ready to leave for Blighty, back in work on Monday and back in the gym. However I'll scribble a holiday
happenings update soon. In the meantime get scribbling on the problems page!

When I asked MRS CAL where she wanted to go on holiday she replied "Somewhere I haven't
been in a long time" so as I suggested "the kitchen" it was only natural for her
knee to connect with my b*llocks. Grovelling, I offered to buy her a present."Whatcha want
burd?" I asked. "Something shiny that goes from 0-200 in 3 seconds" she replied.So as I
plonked bathroom scales in front of her, it swiftly brought a 2nd kick to my love spuds.
I booked a holiday shortly after!

Now I love holidays but I hate flying: it's not the taking off or landing bit but the being
stuck behind the fattest bloke in the Universe bit. This time was no different and, because
I must have eaten babies in a previous life, I found myself behind JABBA FATBAST*RD on his
way to the World Lard-Pie eating championships. Evertime he drew breath, his chair groaned
and slammed into my face. Now I've never been a pretty boy but,with my hair long gone, and
my body not far behind, my looks are all I have left. So when he attempted to recline his
seat as I was eating, my legendary sense of humour disapeared faster than a Scouser at
a Job Interview. The stewardess had to restrain me with a cattle prod as I threatened to
ram my tiny airline pudding up his a*se.

Arriving on the island of lurve, my gym pass and mountain bike sorted, we settled
in at our mate's villa. Now here's a top tip. If you produce a bungalow-sized dump smelling
like TANK'S breath, make sure the loo flushes. In this case it didn't and, climbing on the
bog seat to fix the cystern,I slipped and ripped my ankle ligaments.So, 3 hours after landing
I was being x-rayed in a local hospital. During the examination I took a fit of giggles which
the medic assumed was pain related - never mind the pain, all I could think about was the
look on my host's face as she opened the bog to be greeted by my dinosaur droppings.

Day 2 saw MRS CAL trip over one of the OFFSPRING breaking her foot and ripping her ankle
ligaments (no show without fecking Punch eh?). Cue a 2nd trip in 24 hours to x-ray.
So I spent the next 14 days acting as waiter, chauffeur, and all round beatch to MRS CAL.
I managed zero training, had to hold her hand, and got robbed blind by the OFFSPRING.To top
it off, on the flight home, I got the seat behind FATBOYFAT - a being so large he had his
own postcode. Apparently, accordingly to ELDEST BOY OFFSPRING, it's called Kharma. They say
you never stop learning and that's true cos the only Kharma I know comes with rice and chips!

haha thanks for the mention

How unlucky though..jeeeeeesus! both all healed up? How old are the dreaded money snatcher offsprings?

My holiday in just under 3 weeks :0

Quoted from Tankuk

haha thanks for the mention

How unlucky though..jeeeeeesus! both all healed up? How old are the dreaded money snatcher offsprings?

My holiday in just under 3 weeks :0

My pleasure   I'm healed and just managed a couple of hours aero on my bike in the pouring rain - gym
tomorrow yay! MRS CAL still a malingering hose-beast and off for another x-ray tomorrow. OFFSPRING
have just completed A levels and talking about University which means either selling bodily parts to pay
for that or building MRS CAL a new patio. Where ya going on hols?

well from the sounds of it mate you should have taken the gay cruise option (i would of gone with you as your +1 if needed) hope you both get better quickly fella especially the missis as theres nothing worse then having an injured woman to run after as mine always decides its payback time for when i get manflue and she has to run round after me, hence shes plays on anything from a broken nail to full on clymidia (she doesnt have clymidia was just an example i hope)

Quoted from Ricky

well from the sounds of it mate you should have taken the gay cruise option (i would of gone with you as your +1 if needed) hope you both get better quickly fella especially the missis as theres nothing worse then having an injured woman to run after as mine always decides its payback time for when i get manflue and she has to run round after me, hence shes plays on anything from a broken nail to full on clymidia (she doesnt have chlamydia was just an example i hope)

Mate,

thank you for offering to bum me up on a gay cruise - I'm flattered if not slightly scared - if you really
want to be my chum we could always just go to the pub! Anyway I think you'll find the creme freche
I've been smearing on your Missus has cleared up her chlamydia. Hope this helps!

Quoted from Cal

Mate,

thank you for offering to bum me up on a gay cruise - I'm flattered if not slightly scared - if you really want to be my chum
we could always just go to the pub! Anyway I think you'll find the creme freche I've been smearing on your Missus has
cleared up her clamidia. Hope this helps!

Hop

this is what friends are all about lmfao

Over 2000 views woo hoo - can I be a moderator now? Can I, can I, can I?
Pick me!!!!!!!

Quoted from Cal

Over 2000 views woo hoo - can I be a moderator now? Can I, can I, can I?
Pick me!!!!!!!

PS Get sponsoring me you tight gits and I'll post pics of HOTTIE in lycra on the blog!

After an absence longer than a Liverpool dole queue I’m back. It’s been a while and while I am
undoubtedly more handsome, I’m also fatter, balder and most definitely weaker. It was only when
MRS CAL pointed out my a*se was bigger than my ego I knew it was time to dust off the spandex,
de-weevil the protein powder and start pumping. Its not that I ever stopped pumping -which is
why I’m banned from Tesco – but that’s another story. However when my belly got its own postcode,
it really was time to train.

With HOTTIE now resident in Englandshire and MILF taken early retirement, I had to venture into the
House of Iron alone. Inspired by the ongoing wheels of steel battle between FANTOM and PJ, it was
only natural I paid homage and began my journey back at the squat cage. Regular readers will recall
the last time I wrote about the cage I had visions about the BURDS and a bath full of lime jelly
– this time it was just me and the steel. Banging a couple of plates on, and with my reputation at stake,
I dropped effortlessly into a couple of sets of squats. Easy, so a couple more plates were added along
with my best “F*ck you I’m back” face. My first, and if I say so myself very sexy, deep squat brought
with it the feeling of being b*ggered by a giant prize winning marrow. Fine for my weekend job, but not
so clever with a small audience and in the cold light of day.  

Gulping a can of “Man Up and crack on” I moved to the Leg Press. I’m not saying it hurt but I was
sweating like a Nun in a field full of cucumbers. I guess being ripped asunder by wild Yaks would be
more pleasant than banging 15 out with a weight more suited to RKNEE. Anyway I would love to report
the session finished with me doing calf raises with a BURD on each knee but it didn’t.  It ended with
SOMEBLOKE challenging me to the old high reps low weights contest which left me squealing like
Michael Jackson when his Doctor offered him an injection -  ouch!  Surprisingly I had no ill after effects
and it really wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. If only I hadn’t sipped and twisted my back I would
be training now instead of writing this!

Catch you soon.

Banned from tesco?????? DO TELL!!!

ha yeeeeh that does sound kinda funny

Quoted from Tankuk

Banned from tesco?????? DO TELL!!!

Not really banned from Tesco dude, its the start of a joke which will be built
into the next couple of episodes. However, like everything I write about,
there is always an element of truth in there somewhere! As an aside I
was in Englandshire this weekend to catch up with HOTTIE, couldn't
get her to the gym so had to spend 2 hours riding behind her lycra
clad perfect form - sigh!

3000 posts yay. Just having a rest. Back soon